The Snake
I wondered why we settled here, in the land that time forgot
When it comes to nasty fauna, this place has got the lot
Some simple words of warning, take them for what it’s worth
The Aussie Inland Taipan, is the most dangerous snake on earth
Next up are our spiders and it seems that’s it’s no lie
If a Funnel Web latches onto you can kiss your life goodbye
Sharks cruising off our beach, Crocodiles in the creek
This place is so bloody dangerous, it’s not safe to take a leak
If you use the outdoor dunny, it’s still no easy feat
Always check before you sit, there’s no Red Back on the seat
Now I have set the scene, for a yarn I will relate
For if I keep on phaffing on, it will be too bloody late
It was during summer recess, before the sun rose to its’ height
We found a dead snake on the road, well at least it couldn’t bite
Waw our baker coming, with his horse and cart
We thought up some mischief, that would give him quite a start
On the porch of every home, sat the old bread bin
Old Toby used to come along and put a fresh loaf in
We gathered up the reptile and put it there instead
Little did we realise, the bloody thing wasn’t dead
When he came to our house, he lifted up the lid
The serpent rose and spat at him, just at the time he did
For Toby was an Irishman, far from the emerald shore
And he’d never seen a ‘joe blake’ quite that close before
The ‘auld fella’ took off like a shock, you could see it by his tracks
That finally when he made it home, he’d have to change his daks
He raced towards the horse and cart, his mortal fears laid bare
‘Cause every time he looked behind. The bastard was still there
He called out to St Patrick. “Please save me from this fate
And do it feking quickly, before I reach the gate!”
He sprung aboard, his charity froze with fright
And those who lived in Hill St, had never witnessed such a sight
The old nag moved so slowly, then came to a sudden halt
She knew her bread run all too well and did it without fault
We all let fly with rocks and stones, the baker wished that he was dead
‘Cause most of them missed, the bloody snake and hit poor Toby in the head
Well nature will reward those, who perform a goodly deed
For nearby lived some Kookaburras, poor Toby used to feed
Now I guess you’ll all know, how the story ends
For it is no secret, snakes and Kookaburras are not friends
They swooped down from their branch on high, striking deadly blows
No trace was left of the snake, not even for the crows
When the birds had their fill, they laughed the whole day long
But for the poor old reptile, it was its’ requiem song
Word of our mischievous deed, spread throughout the town
A sore backside a painful prize, for being such a clown
We were the stuff of legends, to all our gang at school
But our teachers all rebuked us, for acting like a fool
This all occurred so long ago and I really feel a louse
It took poor Toby many months, before he left his house
In God’s good time he passed away and I’ve heard it said
He now sits by the ‘Pearly Gates”, delivering the daily bread.
By Tomas ‘Paddy’ Hamilton
5 July 2020
FILE PHOTO: A Royal Thai Army jungle survival expert demonstrates the bite of a non-venomous snake, to members of the 1st Battalion, Royal Australian Regiment, during Exercise Chapel Gold 2018 in Chiang Mai Province, Thailand. Base photo by Corporal Matthew Bickerton (digitally altered by CONTACT).
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